


it hasn't stopped being the same since you told me your name

by whatisUPgaymers



Category: Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Post-Canon, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, i say it's au just in case the world-building ends up goin nuts, seemingly one-sided pining, specifically after the acab stream
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatisUPgaymers/pseuds/whatisUPgaymers
Summary: ahh well y'know it's pretty weird when a guy you presumed dead is just hanging out in your computer.. takes a minute to get used to that..
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 19
Kudos: 170





	it hasn't stopped being the same since you told me your name

**Author's Note:**

> i've chickened out of posting this so many times but getting so many nice comments on another fic of mine that i personally don't consider as """good""" as this one has filled me with a power
> 
> title is from i.d. by go! child which you should definitely go listen to real quick because the vibes are IMPECCABLE. listened to it for the first time in several months After getting into hlvrai and ever since i can't stop imagining some kinda lyric comic or animatic with gordon as penny's parts and benrey as chi-chi's parts. it's GOOD

Okay. Okay. Alright. Fine.

… No, _not_ okay, actually. Definitely not _fine,_ either.

Gordon ran his hand down his face with a groan. Cautiously, he glanced at his computer screen again. It was probably the hundredth cautious glance he’d given in just the last ten minutes. Only the third that was preceded by the ol’ face-wipe-groan, though. He got up from his spot on the couch about halfway, stopped, and sat back down. And then, he thought back on what led him to this impasse in the first place. … That video, while totally incomprehensible, was fucking _hilarious._ He thought slightly less back. He thought about strings of green text on a black screen.

This time, he got all the way up, an impressively long sigh escaping him as he approached his desk. And as he planted his ass on just the edge of his office chair in some sort of indication that he meant business, he realized he had no idea what his plan was here. He did _have_ plans, of course, because what _else_ would he have been doing that whole time? But every last one fell into dust the moment he allowed himself to _act._

Getting more comfortably seated, he looked around, trying to remember _any_ of the what-ifs he’d imagined at the _very least._ “Uhhh…” His eyes landed on his microphone, and he brought it closer to himself. “Hello?” He carefully watched his desktop for so much as the slightest change. “Can you hear me?” And he waited.

It was somewhere around the third minute of nervously tapping and occasionally greeting thin air that his shoulders finally slumped. “Of course not. No way it’s gonna be _that_ easy. I probably… There’s a file I probably gotta open, isn’t there? Wake you up or something?” He already knew very well how to interact with the science team and Darnold (and, unfortunately, Forzen) (... and probably G-Man? Oh, god, he’d never thought about _his_ whole deal here before-) in this post-game world. But this wasn’t exactly a normal case. And even if all that _did_ function the same way, he didn’t know where the files would be. Or that trying to initiate contact with him was guaranteed to _not_ brick his computer. Or- oh, _shit,_ he hasn’t run any anti-virus since even _before_ all that happened. A full scan was probably in order.

… If he could bring himself to even so much as hover his mouse over the anti-virus in the first place, that is. There was nothing in the computer itself that was keeping him from that, either. It was all Gordon.

“... Oh my god, have I _seriously_ gone soft for him?”

“Soft for _who,_ bro?”

He froze.

“You should really work on talking to yourself, by the way. I’m not gonna judge, but, like…” A lip smack for emphasis. “Some people wouldn’t, uh, be super nice ‘bout that. Sucks, but, uhhh… yeah. How it is.”

One hand clamped over his mouth, Gordon did a one-eighty in his chair.

“... Yo, Gordon, you still there, bud?”

… _What?_ Can he not _see_ that- _oh._ As he shot a confused look over his shoulder, his (still _pretty_ wide) eyes landed on the delightfully empty spot where a webcam would go. Many people- sometimes, himself included- have found it odd that he’d invest in VR (needlessly advanced, _equally expensive_ VR at that) before so much as the cheapest, shittiest webcam money can buy, but right now he couldn’t be more grateful. And the lack of people saying that the government can and will spy on you through a VR headset was certainly a plus.

Anyways. This gave him the chance to quietly unplug his mic and step away. After doing just that, he stopped holding his breath as he sat back down at nice, cushiony square one. Okay. Chill out. _Assess._ He-

“ _Booooooo._ ”

“Man, shut up!” After no response came, he took that to mean that unplugging the microphone worked, because there’s _no_ way Benrey would’ve just listened to that without a fight.

… Oh, god. _Benrey’s here._ Not oh so serendipitously wiped from his computer as he seemed to be when Gordon scoured the game files for the rest of the AI after all was said and done. No. He’s just… _there._ He _knew_ that, of course, what with him very blatantly forcing his way into the science team’s bank heists. But it didn’t feel quite real until this very moment. (Honestly, it felt almost too good to be true- though, every time he thought _that,_ he’d tell himself he meant, like, a _bad_ version of that saying, for things one _doesn’t_ like. Because heaven forbid he have a positive feeling towards _Benrey._ )

_He’s here, and I am_ not _ready to have a one-on-one conversation with him. At all. By_ any _means._

Trying to come up with a plan of action, anything, his gaze landed on a piece of paper sticking out from under the coffee table. A flyer for some local event he promised to check out years ago and then utterly failed to. But what was more important was the blank back side. He fumbled around for something to write with. This seemed pretty excessive. He didn’t care.

* * *

It took a lot for him to finally plug his mic back in. And his computer immediately ratted him out when he did.

“Ohhh, _bro…_ ” If Benrey were actually on-screen in any capacity, Gordon could just imagine him stood behind the window asking him what device he’d just plugged in, peering around the edges, watching him check _Mic in_ with some stupid look on his face. Great, now his brain had invented a world where there’s a desktop buddy _worse_ than Bonzi Buddy. “You straight up _unplugged your mic?_ Pussy.”

“Shut _up._ ”

“Lil wimpy boy can’t handle talking to his ol’ buddy Benrey.”

“I _said_ shut up, _Benny._ ”

“No, _you_ shut up, I… I haven’t figured out how to fix my file name without breaking shit yet. Mean ass.”

Gordon snorted. “What, you can’t just _make_ it happen? Aren’t you some sorta hacker now?”

“You think I can pull _that_ off? I couldn’t even get McDonalds. Gonna take that as a compliment, though.”

“I have no reason to compliment you.”

“Yeah, you do. I’m a real catch.”

“I- _no._ We’re not even _friends!_ ”

“You sure ‘bout that, Gordo?”

… He wasn’t. He cleared his throat. “Look…” He shook the paper next to the mic. “You hear that?”

“Aw, dude, did you write me a love letter? This is all happening so fast…”

“ _No!_ ”

“Bro, c’mon, don’t be embarrassed, look, look, look-” A clipart valentine appeared on the screen, covered in about fifty different watermarks and an unhealthy layer of jpeg artifacts.

His cheeks actually _did_ start getting warm, despite himself. “Benrey, no, stop, shut up-” He closed the window with the valentine, but it came right back. “Alright, I’m just… ignoring that.”

“Can’t ignore this chemistry forever, my man.”

“ _Listen._ This is a list of _questions-_ ”

“Easy. Of course I’ll marry you, bro. Boom, speedrun.”

Gordon made sure him getting up and walking away was perfectly audible. Benrey’s distant complaints as he moved to the bathroom would indicate that it worked. Barely remembering to take off his glasses first, he splashed cold water over his face. He looked up at his reflection, blurry and still dripping wet. “... I honestly have no idea what I was expecting.” Grabbing a towel, he started drying off his face. “I mean, what the fuck am I on, thinking I could have a serious, not-weird conversation with _Benrey?_ Stupid, fucked up, mean, evil, annoying, out to get me... weird… bad… strange… uh, _bad…_ funny Benrey.” He caught himself smiling a little too fondly into the towel and splashed his face again. And soon, with a deep breath, he was out of the bathroom again.

“... And, and then she’s like… ‘what the hell are you doing with fifty, uh, Wii… sensor bars?’ Even though we’re _clearly_ halfway done playin’ Jenga already.”

“... What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Oh, _shit-_ ” Sitting back down, Gordon was greeted with what’s best described as the computer equivalent of Benrey falling out of his chair. “Gordon, you’re back!” He cleared his theoretical throat. “Uhhh, what’s up? You just missed out on a pretty epic story. Yeah, I’m a pro MLG Jenga player. No biggie. I didn’t even care that you walked away. Heck, I won’t even start the story over for you or anything.”

“That’s fine.”

“I mean, I could if you wanted me to.”

“... Not right now.”

“Lame.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t. Bet you only left so you could dramatically splash water over your face and, uhh, pretend you’re totally unaffected by my sweet romantic gesturings.”

“... Stop talking.”

“Whatever, ya big tsundere.”

“I’m going to build a robot, put you in it, and then strangle you.”

“That sounds kinda hot.”

Gordon banged his head against the desk. “Can I _please_ just ask you these questions already?!”

“Only if we take turns.”

“Sure! Fine! Whatever! I can work with that! Deal!

“Cool. You start.”

Heaving a sigh of relief, he straightened out the list. “So… what the fuck is your problem?”

“Like, in general?”

“Yes.”

The computer fans actually started to whir pretty loudly for a moment. “... That’s a bad question, it’s all, uh, vague and stuff. You’re bad at questions. Did you seriously write down a whole list of these? That seems pretty excessive.”

“I don’t care.”

“Of course you don’t, you’re… you’re a _meeean_ guy. Gordick Freemean. That’s who _you_ are.”

Gordon shook his head. “Y’know what? Maybe I am.”

“I’m skipping that one.”

He rubbed his temple. “Okay. Fine. Go ahead, take your turn.”

“You into dudes and/or dude-adjacents?”

“Oh, of course you’d-” He rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, all of the above.”

“ _Niiice._ ”

He shook his head again, but this time with a smile. “Alright, my turn. How are you alive?”

“I’m not human.”

“Yeah, no _shit_ you’re not human, you’re _inside my computer!_ ”

“Calm down.”

“I’m-” Gordon was interrupted by a familiar tone coming from his speakers. “Ohh, I do _not_ like that you can still do that.”

“Did it work, though?”

“... Yes?”

“... That’s kinda scary.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it is.” He waved it off. “But, seriously, how’re you still here? All the other AI were in the same place when I looked, but you seemed like you were just… deleted.”

“Y’know Doki Doki Literature Club? It’s like that.”

“... One, that comparison explains nothing. Actually, that makes things make _less_ sense. Two, the AI in Doki Doki aren’t _real._ ”

“That’s what you think. Natsuki is smoking me out as we speak.”

“No, she’s not.”

“Is too.”

“I don’t even have that game installed.”

“... Shit.”

He laughed and shook his head once again. “Okay, this is going nowhere, just take your turn.”

“Alright, uhhh… what’s your favorite food?”

“Man, I dunno, pizza? I know that’s a pretty weak answer, but…”

“Nah, nah, it’s cool. That’s mine, too. By the way.”

“Wh- You can’t even _eat?_ How do you have a favorite food?”

“Whuh?”

“... Okay, next question. Why did you come back? Like, right _then?_ ”

“Y’know, I’m noticing a trend with your questions I’m not a… uh… huge fan of.”

“Yeah, well, this isn’t exactly a sleepover.”

“It could be.”

“Well, no, it’s like, _noon-_ just, just answer the question.”

The computer whirred again as Benrey thought it over- Gordon made a note to blow out any dust after this. “... Complicated.”

“It’s complicated?”

“Yeah, man, I mean, you guys… y’know…” He made sounds like he was making vague gestures. “But, I think, basically, I uh… What it comes down to, is…” His voice got significantly softer when he continued. “I missed you.”

For the first time since this started, Gordon let his guard down, and he _let_ himself do it, wholeheartedly. “You- you _missed me?_ ”

The speakers blew out slightly as Benrey sputtered. “Uh, I obviously meant ‘you’ as in _all_ you science guys, _duh._ No way would I just miss Dr. Dickslip on his own. That’s dumb. You’re dumb.” He watched Gordon drag his very bad valentine around with the mouse. “... Shut up.”

“Oh, so it’s _my_ turn to shut up, now?”

“ _Yes,_ dude.” He finally closed the image. “Anyway, yeah, so, I noticed you guys seemed to be having fun, and, well… I could use the achievements, y’know?”

“Yeah, I… how does an AI have a Steam account, anyway? You’re literally not supposed to be able to make _any_ kind of account.”

“ _Excuse_ me, rude boy, it’s not your turn with the question stick.”

Gordon propped his chin up, leaning his elbows on his desk. “Right, right, my bad. Go ahead.”

“Sooo… what kinda VR setup you got? Oculus? Vive? The, uh, the other one?”

“Oh, man, I do _not_ know how to pronounce it… It’s this super new one, though. There’s- ok, it’s still just a headset and two lil controllers, but it has like… tactile feedback? Not a whole lot, because that’d be nuts, and probably _super_ dangerous, but, y’know… it’s immersive.”

A browser window opened up to a store page. “This one?”

“Yeah! Yeah, that’s it.” He hovered the mouse over the photos, bringing up an enlarged view of the controllers. “See, there’s these lil pads here and in the headset that just… I dunno. They sure do _something_ to your skin.” He flexed his fingers around. “Not a whole lot of games are compatible with the fancier stuff, but most of ‘em at _least_ have-”

“Dude.”

“... What?”

Benrey dragged the cursor over to highlight the price. “ _Dude._ ”

Gordon groaned before running his right hand through his hair. “Yeah, that- it _seemed_ like a good idea at the time…”

“Yeah, I thought the same thing ‘bout making jokes about your feet.”

“Oh, thank _god_ they’re just jokes.”

“... Or _are_ they?”

“I wish I could kill you again.”

All of a sudden, there was a silence that crept over them like vines. “Don’t- don’t even joke about that.”

Something about the tone Benrey took made Gordon’s insides twist around. “Alright, I… I won’t.”

“Okay.”

He looked down at his hands, clasping and unclasping his fingers, now acutely aware of a number of things. “Hey, uh… I’m gonna go grab some lunch.”

More silence.

“I guess we’ll pick this back up later?”

“Whatever.”

Biting his lip, he stood, nodding to no-one. He leaned towards the mic one more time before ducking out. “I’m sorry.”

* * *

The moment would’ve felt much more tense if Gordon wasn’t aware that, from an outside perspective, he was just a man, clutching a Burger King bag, staring despondently at a computer playing Hotel Mario Youtube Poops across the room. It also would’ve been a lot more tense if Benrey wasn’t watching Hotel Mario Youtube Poops, _period._ Is- wait. Is _that_ why Gordon’s Youtube recommendations had gotten so weird lately?

He shook himself out of it and dropped the bag on the coffee table. He could, y’know, eat at his _actual_ table, but… this seemed better. This seemed like a step in the right direction.

As he opened the bag, a little louder than planned, he heard the video pause, and he paused with it. “... Gordon?”

“Yeah?”

“ _Jesus,_ how far away are you?”

“I don’t like eating near my computer!”

“C’mon, be a man and have lunch with me.”

Rolling his eyes, he moved everything to his desk, taking out the napkins before anything else. “Alright, alright, here I am. And if I get grease on anything, I’m blaming _you._ ”

“Sure, sure, but listen- I got a song for you after all that-” When the tab switched over to Never Gonna Give You Up, the whole window was quickly closed. “Aw… I wanted to serenade you.”

“This doesn’t seem like a good time for _Rickrolls,_ Benrey.”

“You suck.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I kinda do, actually. And that’s not an innuendo, shut the fuck up.” He started pulling food out of the bag, careful with the fries. “I shouldn’t have said that earlier, man. That was outta line, and I should've _expected_ that, I-” Gordon realized he was clutching his cold cup of watery soda a little _too_ hard. “I get it.”

“Aw, dude, bro…” There was the sound of a deep breath. “I wasn’t really, uh… super nice to you all the time, either.”

“That doesn’t give me a free pass to just _say_ shit like that.”

“I know, that’s not-” Benrey sighed. “I’m just trying to apologize, too.”

“... _Oh._ ”

“‘Cause I _care_ about you, Gordon.” He paused to collect himself. “I know you probably think I just wanna mess with your head all the time, and I _usually_ do-”

“Of course you do.”

“Yeah, it’s funny as shit. You’re always great to rile up, I dunno why the others didn’t go outta there way to do it more. But I really do care. _A lot._ I’m… _You’re_ a great cool.”

“... Thanks…?”

“Mhm.” Benrey took a long enough pause that Gordon had started unwrapping his burger. “Look, dude, I was thinking, and… I can like… leave. If you want me to.”

“What?”

“I could just… _go._ Not come back. And I’d get it, I mean, I really _was_ a huge pain in the ass. Fuckin’... _I_ got good reasons to not hang around, too. You guys _killed_ me. It’s up to you, though. It’s, uh… it’s _your_ computer.”

“... No.” He took a deep breath. “No, I want you to stay. For _some_ reason.”

“Don’t just say that ‘cause you feel bad.”

“I’m not, I actually, _actually_ want you here. I just… don’t really get _why._ Like you said, you’re a big pain in the ass. But… I dunno. I dunno.” He smacked a fist against his chest like he was trying to work through some pent up burps. “There’s _something_ in here.”

There were no faces on the screen, yet as things got quiet again for a moment, he could practically _feel_ Benrey looking at him with a raised eyebrow. “... Wow, uhhh, what are you, gay?”

“You got no room to talk, man.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t-” Gordon sighed out his nose. “Whatever. I’m just gonna eat.”

Benrey waited ‘til the exact moment he took a bite. “Whatcha eatin’?”

He chewed furiously before answering. “Burger King.”

“Can I hear?”

“Uh… sure.” He leaned in close to the mic before taking his next bite.

The entire screen devolved into static for a few seconds, and the sound that came out of the speakers wasn’t much better. “That, uh… That’s pretty _yikes._ ”

“Yeah, see? That’s another reason I don’t like eating at my desk. Nobody wants to hear that.”

“Do it again.”

“No! No, I don’t want you breaking my monitor. Or _worse._ ”

“Coward.”

Gordon just rolled his eyes and ate in peace for a bit before he spoke again. “You good to pick the questions back up?”

“Sure, bro. Your turn.”

He hummed as he moved his food out of the way of the list. “Uh… hm. Are you planning something?” He opted to gloss over the _I don’t expect you to answer honestly, but…_ part.

“No.”

Looking away, he slowly set his burger down. “Y’know, it’s kinda nuts, but… I actually believe you. Seems a bit early for me to be doing that.”

“Well, good, ‘cause I’m not lying.”

Gordon nodded. He felt a bit silly doing that where Benrey couldn’t see, but it was mostly for himself, anyway. “Okay, go ahead.”

He took his sweet time contemplating, occasional lip smacks barely noticeable over the roaring fan. “Ohhh, _shit,_ dude…” Before Gordon’s very eyes, a folder simply named _transition_ was pulled up, and Benrey made a beeline to open a photo from just after he recovered from top surgery. “How are you such a _dilf?_ ”

“I am _not_ answering that.”

“Dude, c’mon-”

“No, _fuck_ you-”

“Be my guest, man.”

“Shut up, no, I let _you_ have a skip, I should get one, too. Also, stop looking at me shirtless!”

“You’re the one who’s got shirtless pics of yourself on your computer. That I live in. You put shirtless pics up in my house, bro.”

“Because it was an important step in my life and I wanted to document it!”

“Yeah, and it’s, uh, an important step in _my_ life, to realize you’re legit hot.”

“Screw this, I’m gonna go eat in the kitchen.”

“ _No, hang on-_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so uhhh don't expect much plot lol i just wanna keep playing around in this lil world i've smacked together
> 
> i try not to give estimates on when i'll update things bc my creativity is heavily influenced by various neurodivergencies but i DID write about a third of chapter 2 (assuming it'll be a similar length) while i was trying to work up the nerves to post this so <3 love wins
> 
> SPEAKING OF CHAPTER 2. don't worry all your favorite ai's are gonna be there. i just had to get these two specifically talking to each other for over 3k words out of my system first bc i'm a gordon ki*the horse tranquilizers take effect*
> 
> edit bc i wanted to remember to say it somewhere and also bc i think editing end notes is how you get ends notes to stop being weird on ao3 (i DON'T remember i have literally moved accounts since the last time i posted a chaptered fic sjknegjnt): the specific reason gordon has a transition folder on his COMPUTER even though it's def all taken on his PHONE is bc he's dorky enough to post about it on facebook but smart enough to not let facebook anywhere near his phone


End file.
